So, Philip Blond has fallen out of love with David Cameron.
Blond has decided that Ed Miliband is the one true voice for the vaguely coherent babble he has peddled under the brand name ‘Red Tory” for the past few years.
This news comes as no surprise to anyone who has followed the complex mating rituals of the philosopher and the politician over the years.
For those unfamiliar with how this works, this ancient, timeless ritual is here presented in its earliest known example. The Platonic ideal, if you will.
This takes the form of a Socratic Dialogue.
—
ATHENS. 4th CENTURY BC.
SCENE ONE: OUTSIDE THE AGORA
PHILIPPIDES:
Why it is none other than Kleon, leader of the populist party, lately out of favour with the Demes. How goes it, dear Kleon?
KLEON:
Sorry, who are you again?
PHILIPPIDES:
I am Philippides.
Sage. Adviser and author of the Scroll “The Philosopher King, and why he is sadly neglected in today’s boorish Panathenian obsessed culture“.
KLEON:
Not the runner then? Shame.
(PAUSE WHILE KLEON DOES THE PHILIPPIDESBOT. No one laughs.)
PHILIPPIDES:
Poor Kleon. You are not popular with the demes, and I know why.
KLEON:
It’s bloody Persia isn’t it? I tell them, look, I thought they had Greek Fire…
PHILIPPIDES:
No, poor Kleon. It is not the Medes.
It is that you cannot make the people happy.
KLEON:
Too bloody right. Three per cent, I increased the Liturgy last year. Built a great big building on the hill. For everyone. Were they grateful? Not a bit.
‘White elephant‘ they said. ‘Who needs so many pillars’ they said. “Lacked Pericles’s Panache” they said. Bloody Smartarses at the Daily Herm were the worst.
PHILIPPIDES:
BUt Kleon, you err, for it is not mere material things that make the Demes happy. What makes them happy is the good life.
KLEON:
The good life?
PHILIPPIDES:
Yes, the good life.
Which can only be achieved by knowing. And to know one must understand. To understand one must explore. To explore one must be good. And to be good, one must know.
KLEON:
Riiiiiiiiiiight. Well, I must be off.
(Kleon makes to leave)
PHILIPPIDES:
…and of course, the other thing about the good life, is that it does not require expense.
(KLEON pauses)
PHILIPPIDES:
As I was saying to my Seminar group just the other day. ‘Why do we spend so much on what displeases us, when what makes us truly joyous is of naught cost to the sore pressed Delian League?‘
Why, I said, ‘if only a candidate for Strategos could make men happy, he would be praised to the high heavens and certain of glory and it would cost him not a drachma‘.
KLEON:
Really? So, err, what is it that makes us happy?
PHILIPPIDES:
Why, the good life.
KLEON:
Yes, I got that bit, but how do I give people this “Good Life”?
PHILIPPIDES:
Why, by helping them understand. This is what I call “The way of the Good Life”
I’m bringing out a scroll about it next week. It’s going to be in Daily Herm.
(PHILIPPIDES PULLS OUT LENGTHY SCROLL AND OFFERS IT TO KLEON, WHO GLANCES AT IT)
KLEON:
Yes, very good.
I see what you’re driving at.
But how do I do all this, if I’m Strategos?
PHILIPPIDES: :
I told you.
KLEON:
You did?
PHILIPPIDES:
I did.
The funny thing is, ‘the way of the Good life‘ is exactly the sort of thing you were talking about in the Boule the other day. But of course, your speech lacked knowing, so it was not good.
KLEON:
It lacked?
PHILIPPIDES:
Knowing. Not Good.
Still, As I was saying to the chap who does the Daily Herm, who I know from back in the Agora, your campaign is an amazing fit for my “Good Life”. “If only Kleon knew it“, I said. “He’d be hailed as a genius“. Ironic really.
KLEON:
Well, look, that sounds really interesting.
Tell me, how does your “good Life” fits with my plan to build a long wall down to the harbour?
PHILIPPIDES:
Perfectly.
For what is the good life without Knowing? What is Knowing without Understanding? What is Understanding without Reflection? What is Reflection without Privacy? What is Privacy without Protection?
and what is Protection without a wall down to the harbour?
Metaphorically speaking of course.
KLEON:
Of course….
…I say, you wouldn’t mind telling a few of the chaps at the Daily Herm what you said about the deep link between your ideas and my campaign for Strategos?
PHILIPPIDES:
Do you mean the heuristic synergy between our common telos?
KLEON:
Probably.
PHILIPPIDES:
Tempting. I’d need to know you were really committed to the Good life though.
You wouldn’t mind coming along with me to the Agora and launching my new Phrontisterion, would you?
It’s called YOUdaimonia. The You is in capitals.
(PHILIPPIDES CHUCKLES. No-one laughs.)
The Daily Herm will be there.
KLEON: (eagerly)
Nothing would make me happier.
PHILIPPIDES:
Hahahahah. very good.
(Pause. No-one Laughs)
(THEY DEPART TOGETHER, ARM IN ARM.)
——————–
SCENE TWO: THREE YEARS LATER
Enter Kleon, pursued by Philippides.
PHILIPPIDES:
STRATEGOS! STRATEGOS! STRATEGOS!
Oh, there you are.
KLEON:
(To himself) Oh, great.
( To Philippides) Old Friend. Sorry it’s been so long, Affairs of State.
That wall won’t build itself. Things are well? Thanks for all that you do.
PHILIPPIDES:
I am sore vexed, Strategos.
KLEON:
Really? Why? Are you not happy?
(Kleon laughs No-one else does.)
PHILIPPIDES:
I am not, Strategos.
YOUdaimonia is closing for lack of funds.
Also, and I don’t want to have to mention it again, but you did say you’d only appoint those who knew the secret of the Good Life as Archon.
KLEON:
I did? Are you quite sure?
PHILIPPIDES:
Yes. I am. Quite sure.
Yet, you appointed the runner, Philippides, instead.
KLEON:
I did? Well he is terribly popular.
Ran Twenty-Six Miles, you know. Amazing. No-one will ever do that again.
PHILIPPIDES:
And my thinkery?
KLEON:
A terrible shame.
Still, I remember you telling me that material things counted naught for the Good life, so no biggie for you, I’m sure.
PHILIPPIDES:
Oh, such bagatelles are nothing. It is only my reputation as a philosopher that concerns me. I exist only on the mental sphere. That is the truly real.
KLEON:
Good-o! That’s the spirit! Keep it up!
PHILIPPIDES:
Yes, so I’ve written this Scroll for the Weekly Agora about how your insane plan for a big Wall undercuts your previous commitment to the Good life.
Oh, and I may have mentioned that Critias’s no-wall policy is much more in tune with the real spirit of the Good Life.
KLEON:
But you said…
PHILIPPIDES:
That a wall divides us, and what is divided cannot be whole, and what is not whole cannot be fully comprehended, and what cannot be fully comprehended cannot be understood, and what cannot be understood cannot be good?
Yes. It was all here. See…
(PHILIPPIDES PULLS OUT LENGTHY SCROLL….)
KLEON:
Why, you pointy headed, dirty-shifted, little….
(KLEON TAKES THE SCROLL AND LAYS ABOUT HIM WITH MAIN FORCE)
PHILIPPIDES:
OW, stop it. OWW. Assault!! Censorship!!
Someone get Aristophanes in here…
(BOTH ROLL IN DIRT)
The END.