Phrases you should employ

The internet has provided the world with a wonderful source of stupid acronyms, neolgisms and abbreviations. However. I realise that many of us political types are not cool enough to hang at 4chan, so we sometimes get a bit behind the times.

So, PSA. The following phrases are now mandatory on the the internetz. Even if, like me, you’re over 35. Use with care and you too can show a passing knowledge of current linguistic trends.

LDO – Like, Duhhhh, obviously.
CBA – Can’t be bothered.
AINEC – And it’s not even close.
[x] - Indicating the presence of some quality in anothers posting, e.g. [x] satirical intent
[ ] – Indicating the lack of a certain quality in anothers posting, e.g. [ ] successful satire.
donotwantdog.jpeg - This replaces the actual “Do not want” dog file, which has used up its allowable filespace on the entire internet. Merely type the filename and your meaning will be clear.
Mobniez – You know. Cheddar, Potatoes, the Green, Dead Presidents.
aibu – am I being unreasonable? Due to the self questioning and rational nature of the statement this phrase is only acceptable on female oriented websites like mumsnet, frocks.com, statedepartment.gov and so on. If this phrase is ever used by a man the only correct responses are the classics: GTFO, YGOS? and DIAGF.

On a similar note, It is important to clarify that calling something or someone gay (and even more offensive derivatives such as Gaylord, Gayer, Gaymundo and Gay-stroenterologist) in a derogatory way is offensive and morally wrong. Worse, it is out of date. The correct phrase is ghey. Please adjust your prejudices accordingly.

The following phrases can now only be used in real life, never on the internet. If you don’t know what these mean, you’re just out of it, daddio.

imo - Pronounced eye-mo. (Connossieurs agree the H is superfluous). Only to be used at the end of sentences. Or in MS paintaments.
HTFU/TTFU Only to be shouted at each other by manly, hetrosexual men in tight lycra in a gym environment involving barbells. All other uses are ghey.
TEH – Teh word teh, meaning teh definate article, is now compulsory. Anyone using the archaic form of teh in casual conversation may as well add “prithee fair maiden” to the end of the sentence.
oh noez – signifying dismay, distress and sense of surprise. While now in comon usage, It is still regarded as an inappropriate response to be told of the death of a loved one. For Now.
Srs/Srsly – When you think about it, theose extra letters just took valuable time, but added little to the pronunciation of the wors. We now know Vowels are the Ringo of the alphabet, and can be safely dispensed with in real conversations too.

22 Responses to “Phrases you should employ”

  1. labourboy

    Where did the whole ‘teh’ thing come from anyway? It always annoys me.

    Reply
  2. hopisen

    Andreas, I think you meant:

    teh internetz, LDO, n00b.

    I’m not sure where I stand on LOL derivatives. I approve of gif animations like the lollercoaster, and the roflcopter, but I am squeamish about Lulz and sundry descendents.

    Reply
  3. labourboy

    I did wonder about the lack of Lol references. For what its worth I was using ‘lol’ before most of the population had ever heard of it – if only cos I went to america as the internet really took off.

    Anyway, so ‘teh’ came from the internet, but ‘how’?? How did it start? Yes, noob me all you like!

    Reply
  4. hopisen

    the… typing fast.. teh. then it sounds good. teh. teh. Betteh than boring old lispy tfftsftfstf…the

    iz all.

    Reply
  5. Joseph Marshall

    Re note on ‘TEH': I don’t like teh cut of this note’s jib. IMO, every sentence should end with “Prithee, fair maiden”. Especially when engaging in light banter on internet dating sites (straight or ghey), which one should do as follows: “Hey nonny no, lackaday, lackaday, dost thou LOL (+ gibber, mew and bleat) at every daft abbreviation that thou typ’st, PFM?”

    IGICTU4E
    (I’m glad I cleared that up for everybody)

    Reply
  6. CathieT

    I am just well pleased that the phrase “Huzzah!” is making teh comeback, hey nonny, nonny no.

    Reply
  7. Patricia Moberly

    Add “challenging” esp when used as an adjective but also misused as a noun .What’s happened to difficult, problematic, complicated etcetc??

    Reply
  8. screamingandcookingndy

    CBA = can’t be bothered? Pretty sure that started out as ‘can’t be arsed’, and had to be translated into American. So shouldn’t it be CBB for those for whom that’s the intended phraseology?

    Reply

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